It strikes people you love most!

OK, I know people from college will read this Rands, Dan and maybe Danni? But please do not treat me any different, I don’t want sympathy, just don’t remind me about it please.

Yesterday, I found out my Grandad Corrigan’s cancer has returned but this time it’s spread throughout the body and no treatment will be given apart from making the next few months less painful for him. The doctors have only given him 9 months to live, I didn’t see this as much of a shock as he went against their advice on giving up smoking to decrease the chance of it returning.

But today, I have found that it has upset me because I started thinking about when I was younger, basically from the age I could remember but it was till I got up to Feb 2001 when someone I classed back then as they only best friend I could relay on passed away.

That person was my other Grandad. Grandad de-la-Haye, who passed away after a very long battle with bowel cancer, even though I did not know that he had been diagnosed with it many of years before and had gone into remission till the end off 2000 when it had returned but was more aggressive compared to last time. We were shocked he survived for my Birthday and Christmas, but as soon as January started his condition deteriorated rapidly. I saw his body change colour from a normal healthy glow to a yellow state then the last few weeks a grey colour.

I wasn’t told that he had died till I got in from school that day even though, he passed away in the early hours during his sleep. I couldn’t bare school the next day but had to go. I even burst into tears when someone mentioned their Grandad was pricking them up from school. All I thought was my Grandad won’t ever pick me up from school ever again, he won’t see me grow up, he won’t see me turn 18 like he wanted to.

It wasn’t fair the family had decided against the grandchildren that were below the age of 16 weren’t allowed to attend the funeral, they were going to hold a ceremony few days after but is wouldn’t be the same, so me and my brothers never went. I felt like they wouldn’t let us grieve properly as we were only children.

The months that followed I knew I had lost the only true best friend, I could ever ask for. I cried myself to sleep every night thinking of the stories he’d tell us when we ever stayed the night round his and how he’d say ‘Don’t let the bed bugs bite!’ Then put his hand under the cover and tickle our feet and chuckle to himself. I always loved the stories about flying sausages, you knew he’d be making it up from the top of his had but they were funny, even now thinking of them I still laugh at how silly they were.

Anyway, with Grandad Corrigan I found out at the start of his cancer battle that was May/June 2007 just at the start of my G.C.S.E’s they thought because I was old enough to understand this time they would tell me, but my mum wouldn’t tell me. Ok, he’s her Dad so it is understandable. But my Dad told me after being the pub that was only because I asked him why him and mum kept going hush hush when either me or my younger brother walked into the room. I really couldn’t believe this bowel cancer striking twice in a family on opposite sides too. The hospital were able to operate on this one, which led my Grandad having a ostomy bag.

Then we found that it had spread to his lungs with this operation it was highly risky, we nearly lost him during the procedure, however he pulled through. This all happened as I started college and throughout the first year of my course. For the past few months he has been checked and nothing was found until a few weeks ago when they did their usual scans.

This scan confirmed that the cancer had returned and was extremely aggressive and it had spread to a number of areas within his body and there is nothing they are able to do for him due to him still smoking and that it won’t stop it! The doctors have only given him 9 months to live. I really can’t believe that another member of my family that I am close to is slipping away from me because of cancer!

All I can say to people is please support Cancer Research and Macmillan Cancer. Please donate to them both!

Donate to Macmillan

Donate to Cancer research

I give to both charities all year round, please show your support for them.

It’s hard to believe sometimes!

I was standing at the bus stop this morning waiting for a bus i thought no doubt would be running late. The bus stop is opposite a primary school and as it is a nice sunny day, some of the children are having their lessons out side. I remember having lessons outside when I was young but no much work was done when we did, as me and my friends were always making daisy chains and having competitions on who can make the longest chain.

It’s hard to believe that them time were over 11years ago!! So many memories, so many people coming and going out of your life.

Finally, when the bus came i got on and sat down, noticing that there was a pre-school sitting near the back and over my music (which was pretty loud) I could still hear children talking and laughing. You can tell they were excited to be going, where ever they were heading.

Everywhere I looked on the way to college today, I saw small children enjoying themselves with a wide smile across their faces and laughing constantly. It’s nice to see children that are having a good time instead of being shouted at by their parents for walking too slow, dragging their feet as they walk or even just being in the same company as them.

Scribbles

I found to notes that I have written on my Ipod Touch.

The first one I have no clue in why I have written this, but it seems very emotional for some unknown reason. That day I was in the best mood ever!! I bet you are thinking of what the hell is this note I am talking about, well here it is:

‘Tears fall down my face

They are tears of sadness

I try and hide this from you

But somehow you know

that something is wrong

I have lost every memory I had

I have no clue who I am anymore

Only thing I know is that I love you

You always know how to make me smile’

The second one was when I went for a walk the other day and I felt like I should make note of things around me.

I walk down the street to the shop and all I can smell is freshly cut grass and a slight smell of BBQs in the air. Sirens are sounding in the distance, I am able to hear them over my music. I walk past a house and I can see a couple arguing, I only looked for a second but could see they were upset and crying. The house next door you could see a family setting down watching TV, laughing with each other. It seems odd to see that happiness and sadness could live next door to each other.

I like the last entry as this shows i take in things around me and not everything is black and white. You can see people hide they’re true feelings when they leave the house or even just around different people.

Like in the last note on my Ipod, I saw a couple arguing. I saw another couple arguing in work only 48 hours after the first couple, this couple were parents. They had attended a funeral that day. The woman wasn’t happy with the amount of pints the male had been drinking, they kept it quite but you could see neither of them were happy. At one point I saw the male asking his two sons which side they were on mummy’s or daddy’s? I thought this was rather unfair on two small children between the ages of 5-8. Later on the couple were exchanging words and the youngest son came over to them and the male asked ‘are you on mummy’s side or daddy’s?’ The little guy didn’t know what to do but just answered ‘Daddy’s’. I felt for this child being put on the spot. I am not a parent but when I am in the future I will NEVER put my children on the spot or make any decisions like that if their father and I had a disagreement!! It’s just wrong by any standards!!

Anyways I have written a little for you nice people to read. Hope you like. :)

Easter Holidays!

Well they are over now :(

It’s back to college we go! :(

Sorry that I have not updated in a while. My Easter holiday has been the worst holiday ever!! I had nothing to do for the majority of it, all i have done really is go out at a weekend drinking and in the week feeling sorry for myself!

I wish I had a more exciting holiday to tell you about but sorry I didn’t  :(

Apart from I have another niece, Sophie, she was born on 7th April. Beautiful little girl I must say!! So now three niece all together!! And both older ones are a nightmare specially since Lucy has found her feet and learnt to walk or should i say run!! Can’t leave her for two seconds no more!! And for Olivia she’s a little madam, trying to boss you around and act up, I blame the school!! Well not the lovely teacher Miss Tudor or as I know her by Layla! ;)

Anyways, best start getting ready for college!!

Changes!

I’ve been thinking hell of a lot recently about things which is not like me what so ever. I usually just get on with it and think ‘Fuck the consequences!’ and do whatever it is that is risky!!

 

Only thing I don’t have to think about is my relationship with my boyfriend because everything is perfect. Ok, I've been a bit snappy at him but apologise after even if he doesn’t realise what I am saying sorry about. 7 months in 21days and counting!! :)  I am a real lucky girl to have him! Love him to pieces!! :)

 

The reason I have been snappy the past few weeks is lack of sleep, I am guessing. Not going to sleep till 4 or 5 am then being up at about 7am isn’t good. Specially whist you are filming!! No good what so ever!! I feel quite bad because that day i just snapped at the group and I am sorry guys then went into my own little world were things were perfect and no one was there pissing me off or telling me to do things even when they have their own hands that are fully functional.

 

This world of mine is weird because I just seem to zone out from reality and not realise where I have gone. It’s not like I have a nice little house or anything there its just a place that is quite. There is no image in my mind of the place when I am not there or even when I am. Some people keep things like this a secret so others don’t think they are freaks/loons etc… But I’m not telling you the thoughts that gone on during these moments as they are secret and belong to me and the inner workings of my brain.

I really do not understand this but i go to that place at some point everyday. It’s mainly when I’m feeling low and don’t know what to do with myself. I used to write stories linking with what goes on in my mind but for some reason I have lost all motivation to write anything from them. Although I think it would be for the best to start again as it gives me chance to let go of the feelings i feel.

 

This might not make sense to you but it does to me!! :)

Feel like writing in German today!

In den letzten paar Wochen habe ich bemerkt, eine Veränderung in mir. Damit meine ich die Art und Weise bin ich tätig. Ich verstehe nicht, diese Stimmungsschwankungen, aber sie sind hier, um mir etwas. Dass etwas ist mir unbekannt.

Einige Tage, ich bin in meiner eigenen kleinen Welt. Wo alles ist perfekt, und es ist niemand da, stören mich, Ich genieße dieses Gefühl, aber es geht schnell weg. Dann fühle ich mich wie nichts ist richtig. Ich Frage mich.


Nehmen Sie heute zum Beispiel, war ich in einer großartigen Stimmung, bis ich relised Der Tag war sinnlos. Ich fühlte mich wie zu weinen, während Fuß zur Arbeit, nicht sicher, warum? Meine Augen begannen zu füllen und die Tränen beginnen zu fallen. Ich denke gerne Gedanken, aber sie funktionieren nicht. Ein Lächeln lag auf mein Gesicht durch eine Nachricht von Zac gesagt, dass ich dich liebe.

Wie dem auch sei, letzte, was ich sagen möchte, ist Zac, ich liebe Dich Lasten